


You Cannot Ignore What You Feel

by danniemv2310



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dubious Consent, Episode: s02e14 The Fair Folk, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, the seelie queen makes them kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 01:45:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12332982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danniemv2310/pseuds/danniemv2310
Summary: “The vitas veritas, and myself, know when you are lying, Daylighter. Even when you fool yourself. Kiss the one you desire and they will let go.” There is a sparkle in the Queen’s eyes. Simon feels weird at thought that the Seelie Queen knows things about him even he doesn’t know.“I don’t love Jace.” Simon says defensively.“I did not ask who you loved more. I asked who you longed for, Daylighter.”





	1. The Choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the name of this fic from "Vitas Veritas Never Lies" because I was no longer happy with that title. sorry for any confusion.

    “You must pick. Clarissa or Jonathan? Make your choice, Daylighter. Who do you need more, who do long for? Kiss them or stay here forever.”

Simon stands with his mouth agape, “Choose? What are you insinuating?” There are vines crawling up Clary’s and Jace’s legs, trapping them. They struggle to move, but the vines grip holds them in place. 

“I am not  _ insinuating  _ anything, Daylighter. I simply wish to know. Which do you feel more strongly for? Clarissa Fairchild or Jonathan Christopher Lightwood? Oh, and the vitas veritas does not take too kindly to being lied to, so do not even attempt it.”

    He gives the Queen a look of confusion and takes a step toward Clary.  _ The choice is obvious _ , he thinks. Of course he chooses her. The girl he’s loved since they met as kids has his heart. Always has and always will. Clary’s eyes only barely hide the gears churning in her head. She does nothing to stop Simon when he slots his lips with hers. She feels every emotion Simon puts into the kiss. She feels the pain of years of suffered silence. The pining and quiet subversiveness. She feels the sparks after their first kiss all over again and she feels the confusion and hurt from that night at Magnus’ loft. The night she nearly made Alec kill himself. The night she realized how little she trusts Simon. She remembers it all. She knows he loves her. She loves him and he loves her. She knows it. This _ should _ work.

    Yet, when he pulls away and the vines surrounding both her and Jace tighten, she doubts it all again. The same hurt that night at the loft. The churning in her chest she felt when she thought Simon was cheating on her. When she was certain he loved Maia more than her. It all rushes back in. Simon turns on his heel to stare at the Queen. Clary starts, “Wha-?”

    “I did it. I kissed Clary. Why aren’t vines letting go?” Simon says, beating her to the punch. Clary has tears welling up in her eyes, but she does all she can to not let a single one fall down her cheek. She needs to see this. Watch it happen in front of her. Make sure it’s true. 

    “The vitas veritas, and myself, know when you are lying, Daylighter. Even when you fool yourself. Kiss the one you desire and they will let go.” There is a sparkle in the Queen’s eyes. Simon feels weird at thought that the Seelie Queen knows things about him even he doesn’t know. 

    “I don’t love Jace.” Simon says defensively. 

    “I did not ask who you loved more. I asked who you longed for, Daylighter.”

    “But, I can’t kiss Jace. I don’t…” he trails off. He’s not sure he can finish that sentence. 

    “Just do it.” Simon swears he hears a small voice from behind him say. His head turns, eyes meeting Clary’s. Then, he hears the same voice, more clearly.  _ Jace. _ “Please, just… kiss me, Simon.” 

    Simon slowly turns, eyes still on the Queen to make sure she does try to pull anything when he isn’t looking. Facing Jace, he looks him dead in the eyes and says, “This means nothing.” 

    “I wouldn’t expect it to.” Jace leans into Simon’s space, but it’s Simon who closes the distance. Their lips meet. Jace can’t say it’s the best kiss he’s ever had. Especially, because Simon is just holding his face as still as possible. Still enough that Jace faces like he’s kissing a mannequin. Though, soon, the vines begin to loosen and fall to the ground. As soon as the last vine hits the ground, Simon pulls away and rubs his mouth against his sleeve and Clary, finally letting her tears fall, starts to bolt.

    “Clary, wait!” Simon notices her a moment too late. “You stay,” he demands of Jace. Then, Simon runs after her, easily catching up to her just outside the court. However, when Clary pulls away from his touch and starts to run again, he just lets her go. She runs as fast as she can and disappears into the forest. 

Simon collapses to the ground and pulls his legs to his chest and breathes, eyes blank. Moments later, Jace catches up with him. “The Seelie Queen’s allowing us to leave,” Jace said as he stopped next Simon’s side. “Did she ran away?” 

“Yeah, no thanks to you.” Simon says, sourly. He pulls his hands through his hair and grabs the ends, pulling hard. He lets his hair go and stands up quickly.

“Look, I’m not the one that’s in love with me.” 

“That’s debatable,” Simon says before he can stop himself. “And I’m not in love with you. I’m in love with Clary. You aggravate me. You’re selfish and narcissistic. Clary has been the love of my life since we were kids. I only just met you a few months ago. Clary and I are dating. I love her. I’m in love with her. You’re just some attractive tool that showed up to ruin my chances with her and then you were her brother and I finally confessed my fucking feelings when I thought she no longer had a chance with you. But now you aren’t her brother and she’s still, somehow, dating me. I actually got lucky enough that she likes me back and now I’ve gone and fucked it up. All because some vines thought that I’m in love with you. Or that I need you or something. Sorry to let you down. I knew were so glad when you found out the nerdy little vampire was in love with you. But, the vitas veritas was wrong. I never loved you. I never desired you and, now, I never fucking will.”

“Ouch. I mean, damn, Simon. That was harsh. But you heard the Queen. The vines don’t lie and neither can Seelies. So-”

“Don’t fucking talk to me,” Simon said and ran off.


	2. Talk About It

    “Izzy.”

Clary stands in the doorway to Isabelle’s room. Her hair is wet. Whether it is from sweat or rain, Izzy can’t tell. Either way, it can’t be good. “Oh, Clary.” 

That’s all it takes for Clary run forward and to collapse into Izzy’s arms. “I,” she starts sobbing.

Izzy shushes her and runs her hands down Clary’s back. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Just cry. Just let it out.” 

“He,” sniff, “he doesn’t” sob, “he doesn’t love me.”

“Who? Simon? What happened?”

“The Seelie Court. The Queen. She-” Clary stops and just hugs tighter into Isabelle’s arms.

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

    “No, I don’t-” she sniffles, “it’s just that-”  Izzy runs her fingers down and through Clary’s hair in attempt to calm her. After a moment, Clary begins again. “There were these vines and they wrapped around Jace and I and the Queen. She made Simon choose. She made him kiss one of us. ‘The one he desired most’ and…” She takes a second to just breath. To try to get her bearings. “So, he kissed me and then nothing happened, Izzy. Nothing! Then, he kissed Jace and when the vines hit the ground. I just, I had to run. I couldn’t… and now… What do I do, Izzy?”

    “It’s okay, Clary. I’m sure it doesn’t mean-”

    “No! But it has to! The Vitas Ve-, Ver-. The whatever-the-fuck that stuff was can’t lie!” Clary breaks down into a full heart-wrenching sob and all Izzy can do is just hold her.

_______

 

    When Jace gets back, his first instinct is to try and find Clary. He’s not quite sure what he’ll say, but he knows he has to see her. His first instinct is to check her bedroom, but when he doesn’t find her there, he tries the greenhouse. Then, the roof. And the library. And the weight room. And the infirmary. And the kitchen. In the kitchen, he grabs a bottle of water and it dawns on him to check Izzy’s room.

    Clary is crying into Isabelle’s shoulder when Jace gets to them. “Clary, I-” He begins, but stops himself. 

“Just leave, Jace,” Isabelle says. “She doesn’t have anything to say to you.”

And he does. Jace leaves. He heads to the training room in the hopes that he’ll find someone in there to punch. When he enters, he is met with the sight of Alec releasing all his built-up tension into a punching bag. “Jace,” Alec says as soon Jace enters the room. “Are you okay?” He steadies the punching bag and moves toward Jace.

    “I’m fine. Just want to punch something,” Jace says, moving past Alec and towards a bucket of practice staffs.

    “You’re not fine, you’re never fine. Trust me, I know.” Alec glares in Jace’s general direction and grabs his water bottle from the bench toward the edge of the mat. 

    “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Jace says without much attention to Alec’s words and pulls off his shirt, throwing it off the training pad.

    Alec places his water bottle back down and turns to face Jace who is stretching his arms. “What exactly happened at the Seelie Court? Tell me everything.” 

“Don’t worry about it, Alec. It’s something I need to deal with on my own,” Jace says, grabbing a staff from the bucket. “Let’s spar.” 

Jace tosses Alec another staff. Alec catches it and, convinced he’s not gonna get through to Jace before he starts swinging, goes for the first hit. Jace blocks and they are rolling. The staffs buzz through the air and crack against each other in quick succession. Jace barely dodges a particularly good swing by Alec and tumbles to the floor, losing grip on his staff. The staff clatters to the ground just out of Jace’s reach. Alec places one hand on his hip and catches his breath. Then he throws his out his hand, and he helps Jace up.

“You ready to talk yet?” Alec asks.

“One more round. Hand-to-hand.” 

“Jace-” Alec dodges a punch. “You have to talk to someone-” He throws one of his own. “Just because-” Jace tries to trip Alec and pin him, narrowly missing. “You think you’re invincible-” Alec blocks a punch and grabs Jace’s wrist, twisting it and throwing Jace to the ground, effectively pinning him again. “Doesn’t mean you are.”

“I never said I was invincible.” He pushes Alec off his chest and stands up from the floor. He runs a hand through his hair, wiping the sweat off his forehead as best he can.

“Well, you sure as hell act like it sometimes. Anyway, my point is, I’m your  _ parabatai _ . You can tell me anything. You’re clearly bothered by something. The last time I pinned you that easy was after you found out that Clary was your sister, or at least you thought you did. Anyway, please, just talk to me.”

“I,” Jace hesitates. Then, after a moment. “I need to talk to Simon.” 

“Simon?” Alec asks. “What exactly went down in the Seelie Court? Since when do you talk to the vampire?” 

“It’s complicated. I promise I’ll be back before tomorrow night. I’ll talk to you then. Okay, Alec?”

“Just tell me what’s going on. Please.”

“I promise I’ll explain everything when I get back. The most important thing is that I work this out with Simon. He clearly he stuff he needs to discuss with me and I definitely have things to talk to him about.”

“Is this about Clary? Is that why she’s been crying in the other room since she got back?”

“Kinda. She’s involved. But, do not ask her. Please. She needs space. Trust me, I already tried talking to her.”

“Yeah, sure, okay. Just call me if you need anything.” Jace turns to leave, but Alec grabs his arm. “Seriously, Jace. Anything.”

“Yeah, I got it, bro. And go talk to Magnus. Clearly you’ve been holding stuff in, too.”

“What do you-?” Alec begins to ask what he meant, but Jace is running out the door. Alec goes to step off the platform and grabs a towel from the bench. He notices something on the floor.  “Dumbass forgot his shirt.” Alec says, laughing to himself as he picks up the gray t-shirt that landed near his water bottle.


	3. Simon and the Boathouse

    Simon collapses on the sofa inside the boathouse the moment he shuts the door. “Fuck!” he yells into one of the cushions. He groans and rolls off the sofa onto the floor. “Why couldn’t I just be fucking _normal_ for once in my fucking life?”

    “Do you want me to answer that?” comes a voice from nearby.

    Simon sits up. “Who-?”

    “ _Dios_ , relax.”

    “Raphael,” Simon groans. “Why are you here?”

    “Just my luck. I had a meeting with Garroway and happened to hear your pathetic moaning as I was leaving.” Raphael props himself against the wall and crosses his arms across his chest.

    “So, you what? Came to torture me?” Simon says, scooting back up and onto the sofa.

    “Not my plan, but arrangements can be made.”

    “Seriously, Raphael. Why are you here?”

    “Believe it or not, I came to see what was wrong.”

    “It doesn’t matter.”

    “That, coming from the boy who just screamed ‘fuck’ into a sofa, is bullshit.”

    “Fine. I royally fucked up and I am trying to avoid the consequences for as long as possible. Now, can you leave?”

    “What did you do?”

    “I kissed Ja- wait, why do you care?”

    “I’m giving you someone to talk to. So talk, before I change my mind and leave you to wallow in self-pity,” Raphael says.

    “Fine. Clary, Jace, and I went to the Seelie Court to speak with the Queen.”

    “Go on.”

    “She had this, like, weird fascination with me.”

    Simon continues with the story, exempting the part about how he very much would not mind kissing Jace again since he royally fucked it up the first time and how adorable he thought Jace’s whispering desperation right before the kiss was. How he hates Jace and very much wants to punch the ever living snot out of him. How after he would punch Jace, he would immediately feel guilty and wants to hold the cold rag to Jace’s wounds and give him a bubble bath. He especially did not tell Raphael how fucking hot Jace looked when he struggled to get out of his bindings.

    “And it’s not like I don’t love Clary. Of course I do. I’ve loved her since we were kids. And it’s not like I _want_ Jace or anything. Or maybe I do? I don’t know. According to the Seelie Queen, I want him. But how would I have not realized that, you know? I just, everything’s a jumbled mess in my head and I don’t know what to do.” Simon throws himself down on the sofa with an exasperated, “Fuck.”

    “ _Dios_ , Simon. You screwed up.”

    “Yeah, could you not rub it in?” Simon says.

    “Listen, I think you messed up. Royally. Like really bad.”

    “Get to the point.”

    “Right, yes. The point is that you can’t just ignore your problems and hope they go away. The more you ignore them, the worse they’ll get. So, whether you want to mend things with Clary or if you want to try things with Jace, you have to do something. Sitting here and feeling sorry for yourself and your feelings isn’t gonna do anything for you. You have to go talk to them. _Both_ of them.”

    “What do I say?”

    “Hell if I know. The last time I was in a relationship, it was based on mutual addiction. Before that? Let’s just say it’s been many, many years. Just, I don’t know. Talk it out. Figure out your feelings. Do something.”

    Simon pushes his faces into his hands and sighs. “Thanks for letting me talk, dude.”

    “You’re welcome. I need to get back to the Hotel Dumort before sunrise. Go figure yourself out.” Raphael starts towards the door, “And Simon?”

    “Yeah?”

    “None of this means we’re cool now.”

    “Didn’t think so.”

    “Great.” Raphael pulls the door shut as he leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm gonna try and do NaNoWriMo this year so updates in November may be far and few between, but I'm gonna try to get at least to Chapter 5 of this before the end of October so.. yeah.


	4. Jace Gets Plastered

    It takes Jace the entire duration of the walk to the front door until he realizes that he doesn’t have a shirt on. “Shit,” he says and starts back to his room to grab a clean shirt. 

    Once he makes to his room, he figures he should not only grab a long sleeve grey t-shirt from his dresser, but also a leather jacket and his newest pair of boots and a pair of gloves and a scarf in case it’s chilly. He also grabs a knife for safety and an extra seraph blade, just in case. After gathering what is decidedly way too many things, he finally makes his way out of the institute and towards the boathouse. 

    Around 10 minutes later, Jace realizes he has no clue what he wants to say to Simon and what exactly he wants to do. So, in order to buy time, he makes towards to Hunter’s Moon. The amount of alcohol he will likely consume while stalling and thinking through what he wants to say may or may not have crossed his mind. The fact that this alcohol may, in fact, make him more brash and likely to say something he regrets later is certainly not something he considers.

    The bar is lit and a few drunk patrons stubble outside and start walking towards the subway. Maia stands near the door, keys in hand and ready to close up shop. She spots Jace and groans to herself. “We’re closing. Come back later. When I’m not working preferably.” 

    “Please can I just have one drink. I have to do something.”

    “Fine. One.” She ushers him in and locks the door, turning the neon ‘open’ sign in front window off and walks behind the bar. 

    Jace takes a seat in front of her and says, “Since I’ve only got one drink, I’ve got to make it worth my while. So, what is the strong stuff you have?”

    “We have a bottle of absinthe in the back that we save for special occasions. So, what the occasion?”

    “Simon kissed me and now I feel as though I’m responsible for the events that transpired. So, I was going to head to the boathouse and talk to him, but I don’t exactly know what to say.”

    “That’s kinda weak, but I’ll allow it. Don’t say I never did anything for you.” Maia goes into the storage room and comes back out a few minutes later with a bottle of green alcohol in a skull bottle. She sets the bottle down and grabs a shot glass from beneath the counter and pours Jace a single shot. “Be careful. That shit is str-” and before she finishes her sentence, Jace downs the whole thing. 

    “Holy shit,” he says, pulling a face. He audibly winces and coughs. “Why does it take like cough syrup and, like, bad cough syrup. Not the fruity kind.” His throat is burning and his eyes watering. 

    “Just how it is, dude.” Maia puts the bottle in a cabinet behind her and leaves on the bar. “So, tell me about this Simon situation. Isn’t he dating Clary?” 

    “Yes. Kinda? It’s complicated. They are technically dating? Cause they didn’t verbally break up.”

    “Then, why did Simon kiss you?”

    “The Seelie Queen had these like,” he coughs, “vines that wrapped around Clary and I. Then, she made Simon kiss us. I mean, technically she said,” and then, poorly imitating the Queen’s voice, “‘kiss the one you desire most’ or some shit like that. So, of course he kissed Clary cause they are (were?) dating and then nothing happened. So, he kissed me and the vines let us go. Anyway, I think Simon has a crush on me. Which is honestly adorable, because who has crushes anymore. I just fuck. Like, why not just go for what you want. But, now I’m kinda terrified, because I hate Simon. He’s so fucking annoying. But, he is kinda cute and I wouldn’t mind tapping that, you know?”

    “Didn’t need to know  _ that  _ much. Also, just talk to him. Talk through your feelings. Let it all hang out in the open. Trust me, Simon’ll appreciate it.”

    “Can I have another shot?”

    “Are you drunk?”

    “Don’t think so.”

    She gives him a look and then decides it’s not worth fighting him. “Sure.” She pulls the bottle back out of the cabinet and pours another shot.

    “Thanks.” He downs this shot immediately just like he the other. He coughs and shakes off the burning in his throat “One more?”

    “Last one.”

    As the effects of the alcohol begin to take effect, Jace begins slurring his words while he and Maia talk. “You know? You aren’t half bad when you aren’t trying to kill me.”

    Maia smiled a little. If you had told her 3 months ago, she would be having a decent-ish (he _ is _ kinda drunk) conversation with Jace, she would’ve punched you. She still couldn’t help but make comparisons to her brother, but she knew they were different now. Jace has a heart. A misguide heart, at times. But, a heart nonetheless. “Thanks, I guess. Not half bad is an improvement, I think.”

    Jace smirks a little and says, “You sure I can’t have another?”

    “Three is your limit. I can’t have you dying under my watch.”

    “Fine.  Though, I think death would be an improvement .”

    “Just go talk to Simon, Jace. And maybe let the effects of the alcohol wear off a bit before you do. I can’t be responsible for you saying some stupid-ass shit when intoxicated.”

    Then she glances at the clock and notices the sun rising in the window. “We gotta leave soon cause otherwise Pete’ll kill me.”

    “Yeah, okay. Do you need a ride? Or someone to walk you where you’re going?”

    “I’m fine,” Jace says while yawning and they leave the bar. Jace stumbles a little, but he seems fine otherwise. Maia makes sure he isn’t gonna drive (“I don’t even own a car.”) and sends him on his way. 

    “Don’t do anything stupid.”

    “I never do anything stupid.” 

    “You just had three shots of absinthe. Just be careful.”

    “Yeah, yeah. I’ll be fine,” he says, waving her off.


	5. Clary Realizes Something

When Clary wakes up, she recognizes the room as Isabelle’s due to the large canopy over the bed and the vanity in the corner near her. She sits up in the lounger she had apparently slept in and rubs her eyes, yawns, and stretches her arms. Her back hurts a little as she sits up and she has different fabric impressions all over her arms from sleeping on them. 

“Izzy?” Clary says as she stands up. She notices, as she looks around the room again, that she has a mild headache and her eyes are hurting. She walks into the bathroom and notices that the shower is running. “Hey, Izzy.”

Izzy pokes her head around the curtain. “Hey, Clary. Sleep well?” 

“Not much. My head is pounding. Do you happen to know where my stele is?”

“I tucked it in your jacket pocket last night after you feel asleep.”

“Thanks, Iz.”

Izzy ducks her head back into the shower and Clary hears the shower shut off. “Can you hand me a towel?” 

Clary blushes and grabs a towel and hands it over to Izzy from behind the shower curtain. “I’m, uh, gonna… I’m gonna go get a bowl of cereal out of the kitchen.” 

Clary starts out of the bathroom and she hears Izzy say, “Make me one, too. I’ll be out in a moment.”

“Ok,” and Clary grabs her jacket, flees the room, and jogs down the hall into the kitchen. “Oh, hey, Alec.” He is leaning against the counter and eating an apple. 

“Hello, Clary. Are you okay?”

“Hey, I think so…” She takes her stele out and activates her healing rune to get rid of the ache in her bones and her head. “...did Jace tell you?”

“Hey refused to, but obviously something happened. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah, um, it’s still a little raw. You can ask Izzy. I don’t think I could talk about it without crying,” and she chuckles a little. 

“Hey, Clary?”

“Yeah, Alec?”

“I know my brother and if it’s something he did, I know things will go a lot better for the both of you if you just talk about it.”

“He didn’t really do anything, Alec. He just, I don’t know, I just…” She sighs. “I don’t know how explain it.”

“Clary, you don’t have to…”

“I know. Just, has Jace ever, um, shown attraction to a guy before?”

“Clary? What are you talking about?”

“Nevermind, don’t worry about it.”

“Okay…”

Izzy enters the room after a few awkward seconds of silence later dressed in her usual black skinny jeans and t-shirt that says  _ Sore Today, Strong Tomorrow _ and grabs the apple out of Alec’s hand. 

“That’s mine,” he says and she makes a show of taking a large bite out of it before handing it back. “Keep it.”

“Whatever you say big bro.” She turns to Clary and says, “So, feeling better yet?”

“My headache is gone and I don’t like my heart has been ripped in half anymore.”

“So, better?”

“Yeah, Iz. Better,” Clary responds.

“You wanna punch the pain away? Train room’s normally empty till noon.”

Clary mulls the idea over for a moment. “I think I’d rather spend some time outside. Walk around so a bit. If you don’t mind…”

“Do you want me to come along?”

“Yeah, if you want to.” Clary notices as Alec walks out of the room. “Have a good day, Alec.”

He makes a short sound of acknowledgement and exits towards his own room.

“So, where do you wanna go first?”

“Central Park? We could go for a run?”

“Fine by me,” Izzy says. 

_ She’s so beautiful _ , Clary thinks to herself.  _ So kind and so helpful _ . As they exit the Institute and make their way toward Fifth Avenue, Clary recognizes how Izzy skin sheens in the sunlight. She notices how her long hair falls over her shoulders. She notices how her eyes shimmer and radiate happiness. She notices how soft Izzy’s skin looks. She notices how her lips curve as she speaks. “Clary?”

“Hm? What?”

“Did you hear me?”

“No, sorry. What did you say?”

“I asked if you wanted to grab some ice cream on the way.”

“Oh,” Clary feels her face get warmer and pulls a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Yeah, sure.”  _ God, she’s so entrancing. She so luminescent. So radiant. Fuck. _

“Awesome.” Izzy gives her a small smile. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to but, Simon loves you. You know that right? I mean, sure. He kissed Jace, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.”

“Izzy-”

“No, just listen for a second, okay. I mean, you deserve to be loved. You shouldn’t let this ruin you. You are gorgeous and worth the world. So, yes, Simon loves you. He should. You’re amazing but, you can’t let love define you. You can’t let  _ other _ people’s love define you. Talk to Simon. Talk to Jace. Let them both know how you feel.”

“Izzy,” she stops and pulls them into the entrance to a nearby alleyway to get out of the sidewalk. “The issue is not that I’m letting whether or not Simon loves me define me. The issue is that I don’t think I truly loved him in that way to begin with. I love him, but I don’t think I  _ love  _ him.”

“Clary-” Izzy pulls her hand up to push back that same strand of hair that fell back over Clary’s face. Clary meets Izzy’s hand and holds it for a moment. 

“Izzy, I-”

“Don’t. Not right now, Clary. Not while you’re still processing your emotions.”

“Ok, yeah. I guess you’re right. Just, now you know, I guess.” Clary pulls her hand off of Izzy’s and slips back onto the sidewalk. “You coming.”

“Yeah,” Izzy smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! I'm back and I'm ready to start updating this again. Hope y'all had a good November and are excited for the holiday season/new year.
> 
> If you wanted to, I'd appreciate it if you checked out my podcasts:  
> soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/maggie-vine/ep-1-shadowhunters-justice-league-and-marvel-movies  
> https://soundcloud.com/maggie-vine/ep-1-lgbt-survey  
> thanks!!


	6. Alec Talks To Magnus

  Alec enters his room and immediately drops to the bed. The meeting yesterday was stressful, Valentine and Luke attacked each other last night, and when he went workout last night, Jace had come back stressed out and refused tell him what was going on. Instead, he tried to take his anger out in the training room and then fled. He still doesn’t know the full story of what happened in the Seelie Court and he sure as hell can’t ask Jace or Clary. Hell, he doesn’t even know where Jace is. He left last night in such a hurry and never came back.

  Alec thinks about what Jace said last night. _...go talk to Magnus. Clearly you’ve been holding stuff in, too._ What could that possibly mean? Alec only has a few minutes to let his mind roam when Sebastian knocks on his open door.

  “Magnus Bane is looking for you in the library,” Sebastian says while leaning on the door frame.

  “Thanks,” Alec says while sitting up on his bed. “I’ll be up there in a minute.”

  “Alec? Can I say something?” Alec nods his head to the side a little and purses his lips for a moment. “I’m not sure how appropriate it is for you to have such an intense relationship with a downworlder.”

  Alec tilts his head with abjectivity and shakes it a little. “No, I really don’t see anything inappropriate about it. I think I’m allowed to be in a relationship with whoever I see fit and seeing as I love Magnus and we only just met, I’m gonna go with myself on this one. Thanks for your opinion that I did not ask for.”

  “I did not mean to offend you.”

  “Well, you did so…”

  “All I’m am saying is, how do you know he’s on our side? How can you trust him?”

  “I really don’t need this right now. Please, get your bigoted ass out of my room and don’t talk to me ever again.”

  “I meant no harm.”

  “Leave, Sebastian.” He begins backing out of the doorway and Alec says, “If you ever, ever say anything about my relationship ever again, I will kill you.”

  Sebastian slips fully out of view and Alec sits back on the bed, fuming. It takes him a few seconds to remember that Magnus is waiting for him in the Library. He takes a few deep breaths and shakes away the negative energy as best he can and makes sure his stele is in his pocket and makes his way to the Library.

  Magnus is rifling through books in the far left corner of the room when Alec enters the room. “Magnus,” Alec says, making his way back to him.

  When Magnus looks up, Alec notices a dimness in his eyes. “Alexander.” Magnus walks to Alec and hugs him. Alec burrows his face in Magnus’ neck and the embrace for seems like ages.

  “Thank you being there last night,” Alec murmurs into Magnus’ shoulder. “I love you.” Magnus pulls back and places his hands on each of Alec’s cheeks and pulls their foreheads together.

  “I love you, too.”

  “I have to tell you something.”

  “Alexander…”

  “Nothing for you to worry about, I promise.”

  “Okay.”

  Alec’s voice quivers slightly as he says, “Just now, in my room, Sebastian came by to tell me you were here. He said some stuff he shouldn’t have. About us.... and I fear that his opinion is not a unique one.”

  “What did he say, Alexander?” Magnus runs his hand through the hair on the back of Alec’s neck to soothe him.

  “Doesn’t matter. I told him off, but I don’t know what do about other people.” Magnus runs him thumb over Alec’s cheek. “I don’t understand why people think they have a say in our relationship.”

  “They don’t, Alec. Their opinions are nothing. I have lived as a bisexual man for centuries and I could not have survived if I listened to everyone who had a problem with my relationships. Our relationship is for us. I love you and nobody’s opinion can harm that. So, regardless of what other people think, our relationship is good. We are good.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Anyone who has a problem can take it up with me.”

  “High Warlock of Brooklyn,” Alec smiles and kisses Magnus lightly. “Thank you, so why’d you stop by?”

  “Oh, yes. I have a nephilim client and I need to go through rune history in order to aid them. No big deal. Just, needed a book.”

  “Need some help looking?”

  “No,” Magnus brushes him off. “You have important Shadowhunter matters to attend to. Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you tonight, okay?”

  “Ok, I love you.”

  “I love you, too.” Alec then starts his way out and realizes suddenly what Jace had meant. He turns and walks back to Magnus.

  “Yesterday, Jace said something to me. He said I was holding stuff in. Stuff that we needed to talk about. You and I. I didn’t know what he meant. Was trying to figure it out when the shit with Sebastian happened. Just now, though, I think I understand. When Valentine switched bodies with you, I didn’t realize until it was nearly too late. I didn’t believe you. I am so sorry, Magnus. You went through a lot and the one person who was supposed to believe you didn’t and I am so sorry. I love you. I love you, so much. This is my first relationship and I don’t want to screw this up. I care about you and I should’ve known. That’s my fault and I am so sorry.”

  “Alec,” Magnus says softly, lifting his hand to brush over Alec’s cheek. “You have nothing to worry about.”

  “No, but I do. You were, are, going through a lot since that and I haven’t spent enough time thinking about you. I’m so sorry. You deserve more than that.”

  “Alec, darling. You have a lot going, too. I don’t expect you to focus all your time on me. You have an important job and people you need to protect. You do what you can and I love you so much for that. Yes, I am going through things, but I couldn’t have expected you to know that. Alec, honey,” Magnus puts his hands on either side of Alec’s face. Alec tilts his head into Magnus’ touch and sighs.

  “You are too good to me.”

  “Nothing you don’t deserve, love.”


	7. Simon Cares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took like two months to get up!! I've been working on other projects and I really had no idea how I wanted this chapter to play out, but I think I'm pretty satisfied with the end result. 
> 
> FYI - I think this is gonna be the last chapter. But if y'all want an epilogue, I can certainly provide that.

It’s a knocking on the Boathouse door that wakes Simon up. It’s soft the first time and the second and the third, but Simon still hears. Maybe it’s due to exhaustion, maybe it’s due to the nausea it his stomach, but he waits till the fourth to answer. As soon as the final bang on the door, Simon groans and speeds over to the door. “Hello?” There is no one he can see at first, but he can hear their heartbeat and it feels familiar. It takes him a moment to see the man sat against the wall to his left. “Jace?”

Jace groans a little and says, “Maybe three was too many,” and he looks up at Simon expectantly. 

“Are you okay? What the hell happened?” He kneels in front of Jace and checks him over for bruising and scrapes.

“I may be a Shadowhunter, but absinthe is much stronger than I anticipated.”

“You’re drunk?”

“Wasted.”

“Fucking hell. To think I thought you were attractive… C’mon, let’s get you inside.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jace says as he is pulled up and supported be Simon as they walk inside. “I am very attractive.” Jace feels his body be dropped onto the sofa and he groans.

“So, why are you here?” Simon stands in  front of Jace with his hands on his waist. 

“We need to talk.”

“And you thought that getting drunk was gonna be right plan of action? You could’ve come by later when you aren’t falling on yourself.”

“Wouldn’t have.”

“Why not?” 

“Get nervous,” Jace grumbles and puts on of the sofa cushions over his face. Simon pulls it off and pushes Jace up into a sitting position; sitting in the spot previously occupied by Jace’s head. Jace leans back over, hitting Simon’s shoulder on the way down and resting his head in Simon’s lap.

“So, are we gonna talk?” 

“Tired.”

“Then what was the damn point of coming over?”

“Don’t know.”

“Listen, Jace. I appreciate the effort, however minimal. Yet, I’m not entirely sure how meaningful this conversation will be if you are drunk and won’t remember any of it tomorrow. So, get some rest and please do not puke on my floor.”

Jace hums and almost immediately passes out. Simon sighs and moves grab the Playstation controller from the TV stand. He grabs the bean bag sitting nearby and centers it in front of the sofa before plopping down on top of it. He powers up to Playstation and begins playing Uncharted.

 

_______

 

Jace sleeps for 10 hours.

When he finally wakes up, Simon is nowhere to be found. Jace’s first instinct is to call out Simon’s name, but he can barely get the first syllable out before he feel the pounding in his head. He groans and manages to roll himself off the sofa and onto the ground. He lands with a thud and suddenly has hands cupping his cheeks and a soft voice in his ear.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, Simon. I think so. My head just, wow, hurts really bad.” 

“How much did you drink?”

“Too much.”

“How much is too much?”

“I don’t remember… a couple glasses of absinthe, I think.”

“Hold on, I’ll be right back.”

Simon speeds out of the room and it’s only about 30 seconds before he returns with three water bottles and a bag of food from Jade Wolf. 

“Here, drink these and I got you some dumplings, because I doubt you’ve eaten in 15 or so hours.” As if on cue, Jace’s stomach grumbles and he sits up to brace his back on the sofa. 

“Thanks, you didn’t have to do that.” 

“Yes, I did.”

“Well, thanks anyway.”

“Jace,” Simon begins and he sits down next to Jace on the floor. “I care about you. More than I anticipated I must admit, but I do.”

“Can we not have this conversation right now? I’m very hungover and trying to keep myself from vomiting.”

“Sorry, I just… you can’t keep doing things like this. It’s not healthy and I want you to realize that, regardless of how I feel about you, you have to take care of yourself for your own sake. You can’t keep putting yourself in dangerous situations and getting wasted to avoid dealing with your problems.” Simon places one hand on Jace’s and places the other on Jace’s cheek.

“Simon, I don’t-”

Simon cuts him off, “Jace, I care about you. Hell, I might even love you, but it does no one any good if you’re hurting yourself. I don’t know if you want to try and make this work—try and make  _ us _ work. I don’t know if you care about me at all. However, I am making this promise to you right now, I am gonna help you get better. I can’t sit around while you make yourself miserable. I-”

Jace kisses him. Jace kisses him with all the love and passion he can muster—then he pulls away and stares into Simon’s eyes and says, “Okay.”

“Okay?” Simon squeezes Jace’s hand lightly. 

Jace turns their hands and intertwines their fingers. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bonus -  
> Then Jace pulls away and says, "Excuse me, but I really think I'm gonna vomit. I'll be right back."  
> Simon just laughs and watches as Jace runs towards the nearest bucket/sink/toilet/anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave kudos! And Subscribe so you know when the next chapter comes out!


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